I never have been good at prayer. I learned the motions at an early age, and I was certainly genuine in my attempts. I’m not sure that any child can truly grasp the concept of prayer—honestly, I’m not sold that most adults do, either. And especially not this adult.
Prayer is a deep, sometimes internal process, often characterized in the form of monologue or conversation, with whatever / whoever one believes. From what I can gather, prayer’s intention is to spiritually ground an individual, bringing them closer to their creator and providing serenity.
Juxtaposing that to the religious muscle-memory that I recreated right before I went to sleep each night, I would say that I missed it. First, I noticed, being the typical individualistic-minded fellow I am, I was the focus of my prayers. And they primarily followed the same routine, too: thanks for the stuff, and please hook me up. And my friends and family too, of course. I’d like to pretend that it was larger than that, but when I stripped down the excessive and repetitive phrases, the half-hearted generalizations that coincidentally always benefited me, and the occasional world peace requests, that’s all there was.
Secondly, it was always right before I went to sleep. I can’t stay awake in a bed for longer than ten minutes, regardless of how much sleep I’ve had. Add a full workday, workout, and late night run, and I’m usually spent before I could even get to those self-centered requests. Maybe that was a good thing, after all.
And lastly, all of the positive effects of prayer were hidden behind the subconscious nag to make sure I snuck one in every night. Somewhere down the road, be it media, a church, etc., I had such a mental brainfart to internalize the concept that God would punish me if I didn’t slip out one of my selfish prayers at least once a day. Apparently, in my childish way of thinking: a prayer a day keeps the devil away.
And it’s only taken me twenty-one years to fully realize that prayer is an action. Prayer is not a rehearsed sequence of combined phrases and constant “Oh Gods, Lords, Most Holy, etc.” Prayer is an action. And sometimes that action is a non-action, like a reflection or meditation. I am not saying that prayer is to be an action in terms of one’s activity / involvement in communication. What I am saying is that we are always in communication with our creator, and all our actions have the capability of becoming prayer.
Up until now, my understanding of prayer was incredibly rationalized and ritualized, to the point that even my genuine attempts were inherently bastardized. My god’s communication to me is constant: not as an individual, but as a piece to something larger that I embrace and reciprocate through my actions. And my recognition of that, my understanding and separation of “what is” and “what was taught,” has allowed me to contribute more fully to that “larger something.”
And it is that connection to the “larger something” that I believe is precisely prayer itself. The acknowledgement of relationships, all entwined and interwoven consciously in a way that, the moment we try to verbalize it, we lose the breadth of its immensity. It’s like speaking about the ocean, or describing a song or dance. Let it be enough to know that this connection to that “larger something” is centered in all of us, and our ability to recognize that in all of our actions is truly prayerful.
Categories: